Grace for Worship

"You have created us for Yourself, O God,
and our hearts are restless
until they find their rest in You."
Augustine

To say that my heart was restless would be a gross understatement.  My heart has been overwhelmed with sadness and over the past few days it has been developing a very serious "hardening" condition.  This morning I read this quote and it touched something deep within.  I recognized the truth in the words and my spirit was stirred.  But I felt lost.  I wanted to run to Him, to be held by Him, to receive His comfort and listen to His tender voice speak truth...but I didn't know where to find Him.  I was completely aware that the only thing my heart was crying out for was Jesus. 
"Whom do I have in heaven but You?  And earth has nothing I desire besides You."
It is shocking with all that this world has to offer, that when everything is stripped away and I am sitting in the dark, I am asking not for circumstances to change, but for the presence of my Savior.  I just wanted Him.  I just needed to hear from Him.
And then what happened? 
Grace was given.
Grace was given to shed the necessary tears.  To crawl up into His lap, which had never moved, and cry out to Him.  Grace was given to listen, to see His heart and to worship.
And in the midst of worship, a desire was expressed.  This Christmas season I want to be a worshipper.  Every day I am going to beg God for the grace to worship.  I am going to beg Jesus for the grace to focus on Him and not the grief and loss.  Let them not distract from the glory of this season and what I have been given by Christ.  Without His grace I am just a forgetful, ungrateful child, consumed with myself, listening to lies and looking at life from a distorted perspective. So, with that in mind, may the miracle of this season be the one in my heart. I know I have the unique opportunity to experience more joy and worship than ever before because of Jesus.  In His love He has removed all of the distractions in my life and given me the grace to worship.  Come and worship.

Remembering...

One year ago today we received the biggest surprise and the biggest blessing of our lives.  A phone call encouraged us to go outside by the garage.  I was in a state of confusion by the strange circumstances...until I opened the door.  A huge pile of beautiful Christmas presents were stacked all around our door!  Now I was in a state of utter shock.  I called the girls and we carried them in together.  The excitement grew as Katie and Jess looked with wonder at all of the presents.  There was no shock to numb their blissful glee!

For those of you who don't know, at this time last year, Ryan had been without a paycheck for about 10 months.  Our friends and church family gave sacrificially and blessed us with an encouragement that I'm sure will be unparalled in our lives.  They gave us Christmas on Thanksgiving!  Even more than the generous gifts was the message spoken...you are not forgotten...you are seen, you are loved.  This Thanksgiving I want to say thank you again to our beloved friends and to Jesus, for the way He lavishly loves us and the way He never wants us to forget that His eyes and His heart are ever consumed with His children. 
He sees you and He loves you...
more than you can comprehend.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Bloom Where You Are Planted

Bloom where you are planted.  Have you ever heard this phrase?  I can remember as a little girl seeing that phrase hanging on a plaque in our kitchen.  Back then I was pretty indifferent about the message.  My days were filled with mud pies, sail boats on the Chesapeake, lighting bugs, and time with my best friend.  My life was good, my heart was happy and I felt secure.  Just the other day I saw this message again, but this time as an adult...who has been planted in a place that is definitely not my choosing.   

I know many of you are wondering (since I have been absent in my blog for several weeks) about the outcome of Ryan's trip to Thailand.  Are we being asked to jump into full time missions in Chiang Mai?  The answer was no, not full-time.  We are so thankful that the Lord was clear and for your prayers on our behalf.  Though Jesus was very clear, it was extremely hard for Ryan to accept the first few days as his heart had been captured by the girls at the orphanage and to be honest, we were ready for the transplant to our next garden!  Our friends did get the green light and are raising support to go full-time.  If you are interested in hearing more about their family and ministry, please visit destinedtraveler.com. We hope to take our family, and maybe a team, over to help with the fish pond project so the girls can have a larger income stream for the orphanage.

And so we continue to live in the garden of waiting.  Though much of my happy comforts have been stripped away, Jesus has taken us into deep soils.  I fought Him on this and I'm sure I will still have my days, but I now see His goodness in placing us here.  The garden of waiting is filled with the deep soil of His presence, His love, and His faithfulness.  We long to absorb these truths and be transformed by them.  To the praise of His glorious grace.  Please continue to pray for us as we watch and listen and hopefully learn to follow Jesus wherever we are.  To bloom where we are planted.  At least I am hearing the message now.

"When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterwards you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And earth has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
Psalm 73:21-26

"And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to live in obedience to Him.  Let your roots grow down into Him and draw up nourishment from Him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught.  Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all He has done."
Colossians 2:6-7

Fall, Friends...and the Flu.

As Ryan was on his adventure in Thailand, the girls and I set off on our own adventure...
road trip to Iowa!  I have never made a solo trip across country and our friends were begging us to come.  And so we did!  The days prior were filled with prayers for safety, good weather, and health.  Well, I guess two out of three is good enough!!  Had a great visit with my brother on the way in Omaha, Nebraska and then we were off to Iowa.  Our hearts were full as we enjoyed sweet time with friends who we desperately wish were still only 2 minutes away.  Jess and Syd got their ears pierced together...very special indeed!  We visited a pumpkin patch and drank apple cider.  Time was spent just breathing in the joy of being together.  And though we left with the flu, it was worth it.  We would do it again and again.  The Lord is constantly teaching me and reminding me... His grace is sufficient for driving solo with a fever and sometimes He allows me to face my fears to recognize He is enough.  He is always enough.

"I'm with my BFF"  Just got my ears pierced!

Home Again!

Just a few pics...

Highlight of Ryan's trip:

Breanna's House of Joy--42 girls live here.

These girls left a mark on Ryan's heart!

1,2,3...Jump!

Have you ever been sitting poolside only to hear the sound of a parent trying to coax their little guy into jumping?  I observed this phenomenon several weeks ago and it caught my attention.  The child was perched on the edge of the pool looking out at the giant body of water as he contemplated what was before him.  I wondered what was going through his head.  "Will I be able to swim... how will the water feel... this feels scary...will I be able to do it?"  Watching this dad reminded me of my own experience with one of my daughters who fought her own fear of the water.  "1,2,3...jump!"  It sounds encouraging enough, but how does this phrase help a child take a giant leap of faith into a brand new experience?  Come on, do those three seconds really give enough time to prepare for a jump like this?  I was suddenly curious as to the significance and power of this chant.

 I believe that right now we are the ones on the edge of the pool.  Tomorrow my husband, Ryan leaves for Thailand for 10 days.  Wow.  He leaves with his friend Matt and they go with the intent of looking and listening to their Dad, to see if He is calling our families to move and minister to the people of Chiang Mai.  They will visit an orphanage full of at risk girls who are rescued from a life of prostitution and given a life of love and security.  They will visit with missionaries and attend a conference for national pastors. 
They are jumping in as their Dad encourages them from the pool. 
For me it is definitely a leap of faith as I look out at a very new experience of moving half way around the world.  We would so appreciate your prayers for the guys to hear clearly, and for health and safety while they are away.  Our hearts miss Ryan so much when he is gone, so please keep us in your prayers as well.  The girls and I will be traveling to Nebraska to visit my brother and then to Iowa to visit our dear (and very missed) friends Terry and Michelle Brands.  Jessica's heart is really, really looking forward to seeing her best friend Sydney!!

I am aware that parents don't encourage their children to jump only to abandon them to the possibility of drowning.  They count "1,2,3 jump" because they know their kids need a defined moment and an encouragement to take a leap of faith.  The child knows when to jump and they also know their mom or dad is there to catch them.  Jesus knew my heart needed to watch a loving father encouraging his child to jump.  He knew I needed to be reminded that He is in the pool, He is the One counting and most importantly, He is the One who is going to catch us. 
I'll be sure to keep you posted on the pool and the swimming lessons!

Faith's View

I know I'm having a hard day when I go for my third mug of tea.  It is definitely my comfort food.  A sort of "blankie" for me... the grown up 35 year old!  So I took off on a hike to clear my head.  I headed out on a familiar trail where I could climb to a place and look out on the view.  Sitting down to exhale the pain and breathe in the beauty I noticed something new.  Usually this is the place where my eyes are lifted off of my situation and focused on a view reminding me of hope.  Today though, my eyes were actually drawn down to what was below me.  Never before had I noticed there is a clear view of the trail I had just traveled.  Sitting down I began to contemplate the path I had just taken.  My thoughts turned to the path we have been on personally this last year and a half.  So many questions... where we have been and why...how have we responded, what have we learned, how have we changed, and what do we now know of God as a result.  To be honest, this was one of those days where there were no specific answers.  No earth-shattering insight to dissolve my confusion.  Just the weight of it all.
So I begged Jesus to shed light on the path I had seen below.  I knew I had seen it for a reason.

And then the strong whisper came.

"But if I go to the east, He is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find Him.
When He is at work in the north, I do not see Him;
when He turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of Him.
But
He knows the way that I take;
when He has tested me,
I will come forth as gold."  Job 23:8-10

Jesus knew how I was feeling.  Knew I was looking for Him, but couldn't find Him.  Though I could not answer my questions to make sense of the path we have been on and though some days I cannot perceive or understand what God is doing in our lives, no matter.  He wanted to remind me that He knows.  He knows the way that I take.  He is at work, even when I cannot see Him.  That is why this journey is called faith.

Now I did have another thought and it was "really... come forth as gold?"  "Have you seen me lately?" 
And then the second strong whisper,
"Yes, and that it why it is my work and not yours."
How often I make it all up to me, putting pressure on myself, forgetting I have a Savior.
Today I was reminded of truth and I gained confidence in the One who knows the way that I take.
Jesus you really are amazing.  You saved a sinner such as me and then by your grace, You can cause us to come forth as gold.  How You can bring beauty from ashes is truly miraculous.  You get all the credit, Lord.  All the glory is Yours.

"To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore!"   Jude 25-25
       

Tour of Beauty

This past weekend our family decided to take a tour of the golden aspen. Monday became a much needed family "holiday" to drive over our favorite mountain passes and be reminded of incredible beauty. The two day tour was a gift for our eyes and our hearts to be transported to what feels like another world. Deep blue skies, warm sunshine, and shimmering golden aspen. You must take this drive one Fall...put it on your bucket list, you will not be disappointed! We drove to Crested Butte stayed the night and then meandered over Kebler Pass, McClure Pass, and Independence Pass. Pictures just do not do it justice, at least mine don't!! We could have spent days exploring and taking pictures so I thought I'd share some with you...

This is Lost Lake on Kebler Pass!!

Color of Change

Well, I've been trying all week to post pictures from our Fall drive, but as a new blogger, I have much to learn. So while I await instruction from my more knowledgeable friends, I will share this quote that struck a deep chord in me.

"It is easy to imagine that we will get to a place where we are complete and ready, but preparation is not suddenly accomplished, it is a process steadily maintained. It is dangerous to get into a settled state of experience. It is preparation and preparation." Oswald Chambers

Oh how I am one to imagine that place where I am complete and ready. The key word being "imagine." I want to be complete and ready in mothering, in housekeeping, in cooking, in friendship, in marriage, and in my relationship with Jesus... just to name a few! I am constantly longing for that place where I feel confident and competent. To be honest I think I am longing for a place where I don't have to work so hard, a place where I can coast. As I attempt to pay more attention and be more of a student in life, I realize that my heart comes alive not when I am coasting, but when I am challenged.

Deep down I really don't want to coast, I want to be changed. And usually the change comes through the challenge.

So here's to embracing the process.

Each day is a brand new opportunity for me to embrace the process of living, learning, and hopefully, because of the grace provided by Jesus, changing. I want to open up my eyes to look for the beauty of the process and maybe even learn to enjoy the preparations along the way...

Ok. Love this song.

Prescribed Burns

Drove by a sign today.

It read prescribed burn ahead.

I think this sign has been specifically stationed for the benefit of those driving by, to bring us reassurance and some level of comfort. This fire is by design. It is not an accident, no need to panic. The sign is meant to call attention to the fact that it is a pre-planned event. One in which there is a defined purpose and a scheduled time. Precautions have been taken and firefighters have been assigned to monitor and watch over the burning process, to ensure the burn remains in the designated area and stays under control.

As we drove by, the words lingered in my head. I looked down and realized... I am on fire. Only there was no sign placed in my life to warn me of the upcoming burn. Suddenly though, there were indeed flames and I could feel the suffocating heat and the pain. We have all been there as we encounter a sudden tragedy or are just worn down trying to survive a season in the desert. These fires are unavoidable in life and at some point we find ourselves asking why. As the pain and fatigue increase, I have noticed the increased assault of doubt on my faith. How could this be happening? Where is God? In the midst of my own darkness I have found comfort in reading the stories of those that have gone before me. I am not alone in my questions and confusion...the Bible is filled with people like you and me who cried out to God in the midst of their own burn.

"Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

"What strength do I have, that I should still hope?"

I believe the words of the sign I read today were a gift and they apply to my journey of faith. My God is in control, He is with me. He is watching over this fiery trial and He will use it to deepen and refine my faith. He sees the flames and where they are burning. Though there were not signs posted to warn me of the upcoming trial, God knew and He has given me signs in the Bible to sustain me. He has given me promises of specific truth to comfort me and remind me of His presence in the burn...but I have to look for them and remind myself of them. Sometimes, though, I am too weak to search for them. Thankfully I have several friends who help remind me of the signs Jesus has posted for me, encouraging me with truth for my journey. I am confident that He is using these fires to burn off that which is of no use to me or my faith. He longs to take me to a more intimate, deep place of faith. I cannot see Him or understand all of the reasons why, but I trust His goodness and His love. He used this sign today to remind me of truth, and for that I am grateful.

"Though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire--may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls" IPeter 1:6-9

Anyone else on fire?? Praying for you, my friends. Praying your eyes will be opened to see the signs posted for the benefit of your beautiful, precious faith...

Coming Up for Air

Today the gray skies turned blue, the air was crisp with the feeling of Fall and the leaves are beginning their annual transformation to gold. The day beckoned us to come join in and our beloved lab, River, demanded it! This is the time of year that speaks deep into my soul and right now, to be honest, I could really use a fresh wind.

It is a strange thing to begin writing a blog. I have decided to write because it helps me think and process what is going on in my heart and also because I love to share life with my friends and family. I desire to be connected, but I so often fall short. Moments turn into days and days to weeks before I realize how out of touch I am with myself or my friends or my journey with God. This blog is my attempt to pay more attention to the moments in my days, to the things I believe Jesus is showing and teaching me, and to be more intentional about sharing this journey of life with you.

Hiking through aspen groves we drank in the beauty and breathed in Fall and I realized I was coming up for air. The past year and a half as we have walked through a deep season of grief and loss I have been suffocated by the weight of it all. There have been many days where I thought I would drown in despair, some where I did not even have a voice to cry out for help. Days when I felt forgotten by God and days when I gave up hope. I used to think these emotions were avoidable, that if I just focused hard enough and did the work, I could keep myself afloat. Reality is, this life is filled with both sunshine and rain. Sometimes it rains so hard, you lose your ability to see and hear what is true. And that is ok.
It is ok because there is a God who holds us in the palm of His hand. He never grows tired or weary and He promises never to leave us or forsake us. He holds us through our fights and our fears, not because we deserve it or do what is right, but because He is the Faithful One who loves His children and longs for us to know Him deeply, intimately. This is not a performance, this is a relationship. He will use both the sunshine and the rain in our lives to reveal His heart. I want to learn to embrace both and rest, even in the rain.

As I have come up for air today, I realize I have not done much of anything during this season.
I have been carried.
I have been carried by the love and care of my friends and family, but most of all by my Savior, Jesus Christ. Even when I was believing lies, confused and hopeless, His arms carried me. Looking back I see now, that He wanted me to rely on Him, not on myself. To rely on my Savior.

"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us..." 2Cor. 1:8b-10

So my friends, rest in the freedom.
The freedom to be weak and frail and afraid.
The freedom to faint into the loving arms of Jesus,
to feel His strength and know His deliverance.

"and underneath are the everlasting arms."
Deut. 33:27

Always.